Neonatology

I want to become a doctor. I am afraid of applying. I had a bad experience once; let me explain. During my "bonus" year of college, I participated in the Pre-Health Advisory Program Pre-Interview Process, which is nothing more than a long name for "mock medical school admissions" program. The process consisted of filling out the mother-of-all applications- an almost exact copy of the AAMC application- and participation in an interview with the Pre-Health Advisory Board, headed by Dr. Pamela Hathorn (who HATES me).

The application...
The packet itself took me almost two weeks to finish, then I had to write the essay. I have never had writer's block so bad in my entire life as I did when I sat down to write my medical school admissions essay. I wrote one, finally. It was crap.

The interview...
Let's just say it felt like being bound to the Great Stone Table and having the Jadis herself stab me in the heart with a crooked dagger, all while having to answer such ridiculous questions as "What would you tell an 80-year old patient who wanted to get pregnant?" And, "There is no possible way you can get into medical school; why are you even bothering to try?"

And so I died. Or at least, my strength and will and pursuit of my dream died. I have yet to be ressurected, but the beginning of a re-birth is stirring in my soul.

Emily is a wonderful nurse. A talented and compassionate Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU: pronounced nick-you) nurse. She helps struggling little babies survive their rocky starts, and comforts the ones who are bound to return to Jesus. She loves them all. What a truly beautiful endeavour, to provide life and love to those in need. To put it plainly, that is what I want - to feel worthwhile. To feel that what I do has a positive impact on some small part of the world, to some small percent of humanity. And so, a fire in my heart-of-hearts is rekindled. God-willing, the strength, passion and dedication necessary for action will follow suit.

For Emily:

Emily has given me a list of suggestions for blog entries. I have chosen to write on each topic, but not all at once.

Suggested topic #1: "My love affair with dear Mr. Darcy"

I first met Fitzwilliam Darcy in the Spring of 1997. I was fifteen years old. He entered my life through my ninth-grade english teacher, Mrs. Wade. I did not like Mr. Darcy at first. He appeared presumptuous and cruel. I did not learn his true character until much later, at which point I was ashamed for believing him to have ever been less than charming, compassionate, and simply amazing. Once his true character was revealed to me, I fell deeply in love with his wit, his inability to socialize with those whom he is unaquainted, and his aptitude for being completely misunderstood. We have been through our share of joys and sorrows together. And now, almost nine years later, he is still very much a part of my life. His cinematic debut has not tarnished what we share. He has not become proud or boastful. He is still the same, wonderful Fitzwilliam Darcy he has always been.

As I once wrote on Xanga, I have always loved Mr. Darcy...I will always love Mr. Darcy.

Dumbly Struggling

"If you cannot express yourself on any subject, struggle until you can. If you do not, someone will be the poorer all the days of his life. Struggle to re-express some truth of God to yourself, and God will use that expression to someone else. Go through the winepress of God where the grapes are crushed. You must struggle to get expression experimentally, then there will come a time when that expression will become the very wine of strengthening to someone else; but if you say lazily - "I am not going to struggle to express this thing for myself, I will borrow what I say," the expression will not only be of no use to you, but of no use to anyone. Try to state to yourself what you feel implicitly to be God's truth, and you give God a chance to pass it on to someone else through you.

Always make a practice of provoking your own mind to think out what it accepts easily. Our position is not ours until we make it ours by suffering. The author who benefits you most is not the one who tells you something you did not know before, but the one who gives expression to the truth that has been dumbly struggling in you for utterance."

Oswald Chambers

My Utmost for His Highest